Hello All,
Hope you’re well!
I’ve been meaning to write this post
for a while but wanted to ensure I was really in the mood and in the right zone
to do so. It isn’t always easy
reflecting back to tough times as even the thought of the past stirs back
strong emotions. I wanted to talk about life immediately after Arjun’s birth
and a glimpse of life today.
So as you know from my birth story (My
Birth Story), things didn’t quite go to plan. By nature (incase you hadn’t noticed!) I’m
quite an organised person, I like order, I like to know what’s going on and I like
to have a plan. I was quite flexible (by
my standards!) when it came to approaching labour as I knew my hypertension
meant that things may not pan out how I wanted but I was optimistic
nevertheless.
I had the nursery ready, my labour bag
all packed, my last minute bits list all sorted and I felt really ready and
prepared for it all. There was nothing
more I could really have done at that point.
I had a check list of things I wanted
as soon as my baby was born – for us to say a prayer together, to have skin to
skin contact and for me to breast feed to name a few. All of those things went
straight out the window when he was born.
Though I say I was open minded about labour, in hindsight I probably
wasn’t. Or I probably didn’t think about the consequences of different
scenarios enough and so what happened ended up sending me in to a downward
spiral of guilt, sadness and vulnerability.
When I woke up in ICU and realised I’d
given birth and I hadn’t even held my beautiful baby yet, I can’t describe how
I felt. Did he even know who I was? That I was his mummy? That he lived inside
me for nine months? Would he ever love me how he would have had we had skin to
skin? Did he have the best start in life and would he be blessed without us
having said our prayer that we’d planned? Will he get enough nutrients without
my breast milk? How did I let all this happen? Why the hell couldn’t I just
have pushed a bit harder?! I felt like such a failure and it just all felt way
too much for me – I felt so disappointed and let down by my own self. I felt
like it was my fault I wasn’t able to push, and that I ended up having a C
section and in turn was in such a state. In reality, I never would have been able to
give birth naturally to Arjun as his head was too far up but my rational side
had done a runner. I really should have
been focusing on the fact that my baby was born healthy and alive. But for some reason my mind kept dragging me
in to a deep hole of self hate. It was
horrible. It made me feel mentally more
exhausted than I already was and it made me feel extremely selfish.
I remember waking up and asking Preetam
to show me our boy – I couldn’t even hold him comfortably but he was so
beautiful. I couldn’t believe he was here. I couldn’t get my head around the fact that he
lived inside me. How crazy? How did he
fit?!
These thoughts were soon interrupted by
a sharp pain in my abdomen – the painkillers had started to wear off. Then reality hit – Preetam had already fed
him his first feed, changed his first nappy and had his first cuddle. All without me. Although I was so so grateful to have Preetam
there (he was absolutely amazing and so hands on despite everything he had to
witness), I felt so gutted. I just felt like a useless mother. I can often be my own worst enemy – my personal
standards are so high that sometimes I need to give myself a break. But I don’t
know how to.
Preetam still in his scrubs in awe of his little boy x |
Hands on daddy (he does the tongue thing when concentrating and Arjun does it too! - Like father like son) x |
The midwife bought me over some toast
and jam with tea – toast and jam has never tasted so good! Especially as it had
been almost 40 hours since I’d last eaten. I felt like I had a little more
energy.
I messaged my family and was so pleased
that they were all so overjoyed and thrilled.
This wasn’t just about me, this was about our parents becoming
grandparents – something they have waited for.
They were so emotional and it made me forget about all my pain for a
short while. I was so happy we were able
to give them that gift. I couldn’t wait for them to meet him.
I tried to breast feed whilst in ICU,
it’s a little bit of a blur but I remember Arjun latching on quite easy. It
felt nice – I was able to give him something that no one else could. But soon in to it, the panging pain of my
scar started again and I was unable to carry on for too long.
Preetam had been awake for over 48
hours by this point so he asked my sister to come and swap with him so he could
go home and freshen up. I don’t think words will ever be able to explain how grateful
I was to have Preetam and my sisters there with me throughout. God put me in a
situation that I struggled with but he put all the right people around me
including the hospital staff – they were angels in uniform.
I remember when Goov arrived, I was so tired,
exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. I asked her to watch over Arjun
whilst I slept. I knew how uncomfortable
she was around babies but I felt she’d do a better job than I would at that
point. I fell asleep. I know the next few hours whilst I slept were
really daunting for her – she was as clueless as I was. Instead of panicking
(which she’d normally do!), she got on with things for my sake – she knew I needed
her.
I woke up and she’d changed his nappy (with a little assistance!)
and managed to put him to sleep. Even my
sister had changed a nappy before I could and managed to comfort my baby. The thought of having to lift myself out of
bed and then have to lean over to change my baby’s nappy was frightening – I didn’t
understand where I was meant to find the strength to do it. My body was aching,
my abdomen was throbbing and I felt drained.
Proud masi x |
One of the many midwives that were by my side helping Goov to change Arjun's nappy lol |
Because I was so exhausted, Preetam
made the decision for us that I would attempt breast feeding during the day (my
wish) and we’d bottle feed at night so he could do night shift and I could rest
and recover. I was so thankful to him for calling that shot because had I made that
decision, I probably would have beat myself up over it. It really helped being
able to sleep at night whilst he took care of Arjun.
I stayed for an extra two nights after
Arjun was born but the hospital were kind enough to let Preetam stay with me
and also to allow one of the twins to come and spend the day with me to help
me. I really appreciated the midwives
care and sympathy. It made a huge
difference. During the night, the
midwives often came in to have a cuddle and to help feed Arjun and put him to
sleep – I learnt so many different ways of burping him and holding him! They
were amazing and I still think of them today.
Initially I begged to be discharged the next day but my consultant and
the midwife on duty were adamant that I needed to stay a little longer. I’m glad I did as I was given morphine whilst
at the hospital which really helped. I was
also offered so much support. Although it was a tough situation, I have such
fond memories of my time at the hospital – parts of my ordeal make me smile :)
The midwives from Triage and the ante natal ward would come and see me to have
a cuddle with Arjun and to see how I was doing. They are such blessed souls.
My sisters took the next two weeks off
from work to stay with Preetam and I – I’m so lucky to have not one but two
sisters. I don’t think I’ll ever be able
to repay them for how much they helped us. I felt so much more comfortable having Preetam
and them around as I felt so useless. I wasn’t mobile on my own – Preetam had
to take me to the bathroom and help me shower so how was I meant to take care
of my baby? I couldn’t even place him down in his moses basket because it hurt
so much. Surely I should’ve found the strength from somewhere just by looking
at my son? I didn’t. And it just reinforced my self opinion of being a failure.
One of many selfies with the twins and Arjun whilst they stayed over x |
I slowly became really reliant on
Preetam and the twins and began to lose any confidence that I could do this
myself. I didn’t change Arjun’s nappy till he was two weeks old. TWO WEEKS! The feeling of being under
confident still trickles through today – to some peoples surprise.
Our first outing was to the Gurdwara
(Sikh temple) to seek God’s blessings and to thank the almighty for giving us
such a perfect little baby. What would
have usually taken 15 minutes took us about an hour. During the ardaas (prayer), I had an excruciating
pain and the Giani (priest) offered to bring me over a chair. I felt so embarrassed
but didn’t understand why. It was ok to be in pain a few days after major
surgery! I wasn’t able to hold Arjun at all at the temple but was so glad we
got to go. I felt so much better –he’d
been blessed. I also felt a lot more balanced in that moment – I always find
gong to the Gurdwara centres me. I find it so peaceful.
Preetam decided to take an extra two
weeks off from work (four weeks in total) to give me the emotional, mental and
physical support that I needed. I was relieved.
We went out for lunch one day just to get out of the house – it was so
difficult moving, everything took so much longer and was such an effort as I was
in so much pain and found it so tiring. I was no longer on morphine but on
regular Codydramol and Paracetamol and it wasn’t doing much for me. I knew I had
to keep trying to become better mobile as soon Preetam would also be returning
to work.
By this
time (after three weeks), I’d given up breast feeding as I was really
struggling to cope with it – Arjun was constantly hungry. I also knew it’d
hinder me going out comfortably and I’d end up spending even more time at home
than I wanted to. Giving up breast feeding wasn’t an easy decision either –
something else I beat myself up over.
Was I going to be able to form that same bond with him? I soon realised
that even with bottle feeding, your baby gazes in to your eyes the same way. I definitely agree that breast is best but it
just didn’t work for me and I felt the pressure from the health visitors.
The
night before Preetam’s return to work, I remember panicking. How was I going to
do this? Was I going to be able to care for my baby all alone!? Everyone told
me I’d know what his cries meant – but I didn’t! Did that mean I was a bad mum?!
I
wasn’t able to drive, I could just about manage to move comfortably alone by
this point. What if I fell down the stairs with him? What if he didn’t want to
be with me because he became so used to everyone else? What if he rejected me?
I felt so down, so useless and so scared. Even the smallest task felt like a
huge challenge and everything was starting to cave in on me.
The
health visitor was coming to see us often and it was her that highlighted I was showing quite a few of the symptoms of Post Natal Depression (PND) – something I’d heard of. I knew I was prone to it especially after a car accident I had in 2009 where I was left with a fractured skull and suffered from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was very self aware but because I was so self aware I thought I'd be able to control it. Not quite the case when your body is raging with hormones and when the course of action is completely different to how you imagined it. Still, luckily I wasn't too far
gone and it was picked up early.
I remember
describing to the health visitor how everything felt so “big” and difficult. How I didn’t feel
like leaving the house – even to go in the garden (it was sunny then). She asked me why I didn’t take Arjun in the
garden sometimes and eat lunch out there (we are blessed with a beautiful
garden). I explained to her that that
task seemed far too big for me – it wasn’t just a case of sitting outside, it
was packing the things I needed for the baby, putting out a mat, taking out
some sort of shade, taking out my lunch, taking out his bottle, ensuring the
dog was locked away, plus how was I meant to transport everything to the garden
whilst leaving the baby inside? My brain
was processing things in such a complicated and irrational manner. It was so
difficult. Even though I knew it was irrational, I couldn’t help myself.
The
thought of taking him out for a walk was the same – packing his bag, taking the
push chair out, getting him dressed for outdoors. Everything just felt like too
much.
I also
had this massive guilt that I was relying on others – my mum was cooking for me
at least every other day, and her or my dad would drive from their home to mine
to drop off food (at least a 20 minute drive) – my mum had a heart attack a few
years ago and I worry about her so much, so the feeling of adding to her
running around stressed me out! The thought of Preetam going to work and coming
home and having to help me. The amount the twins had done for me was
overwhelming. I just found everything so overwhelming. I was so grateful for the support.
I
remember Mane (my sister in law) taking the day off to come and spend some time
with us, she knew the emotions I was riding.
She grabbed some lunch for us from M&S and helped me take Arjun’s
things in to the garden for us to sit outside.
Those kinds of gestures meant so much to me. People were taking out the time to try help and
make things better.
As time
went on and by working with my health visitor who was visiting we weekly, we
established baby milestones for me to accomplish. Such as “take Arjun for a 10
minute walk”. I found an easier way for
me to get out a bit more was by doing things with friends; my NCT friends, my
other friends with babies, my relatives with babies. It made a difference being in the company of
others. Perhaps it was a comfort thing –
knowing the mothers would know what to do if something happened. I was released from their care only once my health
visitor was comfortable that I was ok – that was when Arjun turned seven weeks.
It’s
really difficult for those that haven’t been through PND to really understand
it – post birth your body is still full of crazy hormones and sometimes those
hormones manifest in such a way that you can’t really control. I was lucky that
I had the support and help of my family and friends to help me get through it
as soon as the signs appeared. I listened to lots of prayers – as I have
always done which also helps to cleanse my mind.
PND affects one in
ten women after having a baby. Baby
blues are common after giving birth, however if your symptoms are more
persistent and don’t seem to fade, it’s important you seek help from your
doctor or the health visitor before it gets worse. It doesn’t make you a bad mother and it is so
much more common than you may realise.
I would recommend partners of those expecting to read up on PND prior
to the arrival of
your little one so they are also aware of the symptoms.
Symptoms can include the
following:
- A constant feeling of sadness and low mood
- A loss of interest in the world around you and you no longer enjoy doing the things that you used to
- A lack of energy and constant fatigue
- Disrupted sleep
- Difficulties with concentrating and making decision
- Low self confidence
- A change in appetite
- Feeling agitated or uninterested
- Feelings of guilt and self blame
- And in extreme cases; thinking about suicide and self harming
PND can affect your day-to-day life. Some mothers feel they're unable to look after their
baby, or are too anxious to leave the house or keep in touch with friends.
I’ve definitely
come a long way – I’m comfortable being alone with Arjun at home but the
thought of taking him to public places alone does make me feel slightly panicked. It’s on my to do list to take him to
Westfield alone one of these days! I feel “ready”! Now it’s Preetam that has to
ask me “when do I feed him?” or “how much milk
do I give him” – mummy knows best! :)
Preetam and
Arjun have an indescribable bond – I’m not sure if it is to do with Preetam
caring for him in the first few hours of his life, but it’s so special. Words
can’t do it any justice – you have to just see it. The way Arjun looks at him, his mannerism
around him and vice versa. I feel really
lucky to have a husband that was able to handle things how Preetam did – Arjun is
truly blessed to have a father like him.
A lot
of people, especially since I started my blog, comment on what an amazing job
I’m doing – I’m really grateful and
humbled by the comments but I also wanted to highlight that I have had some
tough battles and continue to do so and don’t always feel like I’m doing an
amazing job. You’ll notice that a lot of
what I do is centred around our home as opposed to going out because that is my
comfort. Every mother does her best and
every mother has her own struggles, battles and challenges – mentally
physically and emotionally! You are all bloody amazing in my opinion and I find
you all inspiring in some way!
Sorry for the super long post! Thank you for reading (if you haven't fallen asleep and have managed to get this far!).
What have your battles been during and
post pregnancy and how have you dealt with them?x
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